In the Moment
by Archaeologist
Summary: Padawan Qui-Gon Jinn kills for the first time. Warning! Dark!


**Notes and Other Stuff: WARNING!** This is dark. Don't read if you don't like dark stories. You have been warned.

* * *

It all happened in one horrifying moment. Too fast, too fast.

"Kill the Jedi!" The cry shrieked into the air. Overwhelmed by the clamor of pitched battle, desperately fighting for his life, twelve year old Qui-Gon Jinn had only an instant to react.

The wild-eyed rebel rushed forward, her mouth foaming with rage and obscenities. With a sudden burst of speed, her vibropike came in high then slashed low at him even as the blood lust seemed to push her toward them. Her face was insane with hatred's mask, pale skin painted in gore.

As she shoved the pike toward the boy, he leapt aside, back-pedaling to try and escape her fury. She twisted then into his path, reaching forward to gut him and rid the universe of the Jedi abomination. But it was too late.

With one quick thrust, the woman was impaled, the lazersword piercing her chest. A red mist blossomed out, heart heat turning cool in the air, and covered them both in a fine oily spray. In the green glow of the saber, the crimson haze darkened, devastation apparent in black blood.

For a brief instant there was silence between them. And suddenly, the savage grunts of her uncontrolled rage spiraled into high-pitched wails, screams of searing agony.

Qui-Gon just stood there, frozen in the moment.

He did not hear the shrill echoes of destruction going on all around him. Rough curses and the whispered pleas for mercy, the sun-bright pulses of explosives, and the startling call of carrion birds were without meaning. All he could see, all he could hear, all he could feel was her hoarse howl of scalded pain.

She moved then, pulling fiercely at the light spearing her chest, as though she could pluck the torment from her body. But she did not understand that it was already too late.

Instead, her hand sliced apart, the fingers falling away and downward, making soft plopping sounds as they hit the blood-soaked ground one by one. Her voice gone in the scorching agony, the mewing whimpers grew fainter as she stared at him. And then she slumped sideward, collapsing into the saber.

Qui-Gon tried to shut off his blade but not soon enough. Her body fell apart as the light sizzled through liquefied flesh, heart and bone and skin. Spurting out, her life's blood vaporized into a scarlet cloud, coating everything. As the woman collapsed into pieces, one shortened arm seemed to reach for her errant fingers.

And then she was dead.

Qui-Gon did not know how long he stood there, watching the unnamed woman turn into a corpse. He did not hear the final sounding of surrender or the soft footfall of his Master. He saw only the horror that was of his own making.

An eternity later, as Master Dooku quietly called his name, Qui-Gon Jinn let out a single wail of grief and promptly vomited all over the pieces of human meat now littering the ground.

He said not a word when his Master urged him away, just stared into some infinity that only he could see. But it could not last long. There were decisions to be made.

* * *

As the ship winged its way through the sunset clouds and shot up into the first reaches of deeper space, Qui-Gon still said nothing. Dooku guided him into their small cabin but, even as his Master began to speak, he just turned away. Studiously avoiding all questions, he retreated to the viewport in the far corner and stood there, unresponsive and rigid as stone.

Ever a quiet child, Qui-Gon would sometimes turn pensive and withdrawn when something was bothering him but this... this was much more than a simple slight or failed test. This was the first time he had killed another living being. And it was eating him alive.

Finally, it would appear that Master Dooku had had enough. "Padawan, talk to me."

When Qui-Gon could not gather the strength to answer, Dooku reached out, touching his shoulder. But he jerked away, sending his Master one brief flick of anguish before he turned back toward the star-streaked window.

A painful whisper. "Please don't touch me. I'm not clean."

With that bleak admission, Qui-Gon began to scrub at his hands - pulling at stained flesh, trying to strip away the very skin tainted with his failure. He looked down then, studying his fingers, scrapping at flecks of blood and meat from his sweaty palms. But it was not enough, never enough. He began to drag his hands across his tunics with increasing fervor, trying to rub away the filth only he could see.

He looked up at Dooku, and then back down at the hands that seemed to have gained a life of their own. A low, soft grunt escaping even as he pressed in, palms scrubbing hard against the spattered tunics. The rasping whisper of cloth against his tainted flesh was harsh in the small cabin.

"Padawan..."

He glanced up, saw his Master frowning in concern, thought perhaps that Dooku might even try to placate him somehow. But he did not stop. He could not stop.

Dooku must have decided that he'd had enough. With one quick movement, he grabbed Qui-Gon's restless fingers in his own and pulled him close.

For a moment, he stilled, then blinking rapidly at the large unsullied hands of his Master, he struggled to pull away, fierce in his attempt to twist out of the firm grip. But Dooku held on.

"Padawan..., Worry bled through. "Enough of this."

With that, Qui-Gon froze. Standing there, miserable and confused, a frown burrowed into his skin. He tried to quell the overwhelming emotions throttling him but he couldn't stop trembling. Refusing to look at his Master, trapped by the gentle reproach and his own deep guilt, he bent his head in shame.

"How can you stand to be near me? I murdered her. I am... I am..."

Drawing in a sharp breath, his voice sounding furious, Dooku said, "Qui-Gon Jinn, stop that immediately. You did what you had to do."

Wincing at the harsh tone, Qui-Gon shook his head. But instead of accepting the truth of his Master's words, his remorse burrowed in deeper. He felt tainted, filthy. The Force seemed to swirl around him, his aura streaking in colors of old blood and despair.

Finally, Dooku clenched his hands, obvious anger turning into whitened knuckles and knotted sinew. But his fingers still trapped within his grasp, Qui-Gon let out a soft grunt at the unexpected pain, and Dooku must have realized his mistake, let him go.

Qui-Gon stepped back, out of reach. Hiding his face as he bowed his head in submission, he just stood there, subdued. He did not protest his Master's action. And as much as he was hurting, he knew that he deserved harsher punishment, that he deserved all of the pain and more.

"Padawan, you did the right thing."

Qui-Gon looked up then, his eyes huge in certain disbelief. "No, I..." The words began to tumble out. "Master, I keep seeing her face as I shoved my saber into her. Astonishment, pain. I... I could feel her agony in the Force. She... "The unshed tears rasped in his throat.

"Padawan, enough."

He just shook his head, confused and half-crazed with the memories, "I can't seem to..." Trembling once more, he looked down at his hands in distrust and began to scrub again at the tainted flesh that had betrayed him. His frown deepened. "I don't want to remember but I can't seem to..." He tried to push the disturbing images away without success.

"Qui-Gon, you must get past this. If you are ever to be a Jedi Knight, you..."

Despair blossomed into sudden fury. Stepping closer to his Master, he spat out, "Jedi, is that what I am? Is that what we do? Murder people?"

"Qui-Gon!"

The condemnation in Dooku's voice only drove him deeper into misery. Qui-Gon shrunk inward at the harsh tone, his arms wrapping about his torso in mock comfort. "I don't know if I can... if I will be able to do that again."

Master Dooku drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "You see only the life you have taken but there was more to it than that, Padawan. I saw the good that you accomplished, the lives you saved today. Surely, that is worth something."

"I don't."

There was another sigh from his Master, colored in disappointment and almost a kind of annoyance, as if he had expected Qui-Gon to understand and when he didn't, well, he was showing himself unworthy of being a Padawan.. "Tell me what happened, Qui-Gon. In your own words."

"I..." Qui-Gon was about to refuse his Master's command but one demanding stare, and abruptly, he gave in.

"I was guiding the injured men toward the transport when the rebels attacked. One of the medics tripped on the broken ground, almost dropping the man he was carrying but was able to regain his balance and moved off towards the ship. I was shouting at them to hurry but then blaster bolts rang out, hitting the ground near the stragglers. I took the flank, hoping to draw their fire, and began to deflect it back toward the rebels. I could see the medical team reach the transport and move inside. I stopped for just a moment and then began to step backwards to follow them when out of nowhere she... she..."

And he could go no further. Miserable, he turned away, waiting for his Master to reprimand him. He knew that because of him, a woman was dead. His fear and a body lay in pieces. One frozen moment and ...

A whisper of movement, a brush of tunics against his own and then one large hand began to stroke his hair. Too tired to fight, Qui-Gon just stood there, shivering with anticipation. It would be now. His Master must think him a failure and he had only to say it to seal his fate.

"Padawan, you did what you had to do. A Master in the Force could have done nothing else."

Qui-Gon looked up in astonishment. Did Master Dooku not hear what he had said? He was not fit to be a Learner and yet his Master could say such things. He could not let him think that. "It wasn't enough. I murdered that woman because I wasn't... "

Dooku frowned down at him. "Padawan?"

Qui-Gon began in hiccup in a futile attempt at staving the tears and the inevitable rejection. "I wasn't listening." He brushed furiously at his wet face as he confessed his failure. And the desperate sobs were bubbling at his throat, tearing at him to get out. "The Force was telling me to go into the ship, that I was needed there but I didn't... I couldn't do it. I saw that you were in trouble and I just wanted to help. I just wanted to help you."

Dooku's hand lay heavy on his shoulder, pulled Qui-Gon closer. "Padawan, you are not perfect. None of us are."

With that, Qui-Gon began to wail out his anguish. "One moment, that's all it took and then she was there. I killed her. I didn't want to but I didn't listen… I should have... not let her die like that." And he burrowed in, sobbing in his Master's arms.

"Every time a Jedi goes into the field there is a potential for the taking of life. That harsh reality is payment for the incredible good that we all do in the service of the Republic. You must come to accept it as well, in the end. It is the way of the Jedi." And he stroked Qui-Gon's hair and murmured assurances but it wasn't enough.

Qui-Gon did not understand any of it. He only knew that the moment, this moment, was filled with pain and bottomless regret. And as he sobbed into the rough tunics of his Master, he whimpered softly, "Should have listened. I'll never be clean again. Never."

The end.


End file.
